Dr. Betty Caduceus (doctor_caduceus) wrote in spirited_love,
Dr. Betty Caduceus

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The Guest Lecture 16/?

So yeah, I'm still writing through taffy, I still suck, and I remain sorry. Here's a listing of the back chapters, since christ knows it's been long enough ago:
Chapters 1-3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7a
Chapter 7b &7c
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15

I'm hoping that now that I've got Wilson's chapter out of the way, the rest will come easier. (Wilson, I love you, but damn son, you did not help me through this one bit.)

Fic: The Guest Lecture v1.5
Fandoms: Scrubs / House crossover (Set in Sacred Heart Hospital, my money's on Sacramento, CA)
Characters this chapter: Wilson, Dr.Cox, Chase, Cameron, the Todd, Glen
Chapter rating: PG-13 for cussing and perversions, but no actual sex.
Overall story rating: NC-17 in parts, if I can make myself stop blushing, but relatively plot heavy overall.
Genre: Humor, angst, romantic, smut, I think I hit everything but horror.
Spoilers: Up to Scrubs Season 6, episode 7, "My Musical" and House, M.D., up to "Fools for Love," Season 3, episode 5.
The Guest Lecture 16/?
Chapter Narrator: Wilson.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Tonic- "Mean to Me"

It's a place where words are spoken you will never hear,

A broken bridge of lines that just won't come,

An empty lung that won't give the wind to speak at me.

How far can it be from home?

Why you gotta be so mean to me?

Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?

You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need?

So why you gotta be so fucking mean to me?

I shut the closet door behind me, ruminating on this new development, which bordered on fascinating. So Dorian wasn't reciprocating House's kinky little crush, and thank god for that. I walked down the hallway and made a few turns, not wanting to risk another ambush by Dr. Dorian, took out my cell and called Perry.

"What?" the cranky voice answered on the first ring.

"It's Jim. Want to grab some coffee?"

"Why the hell not; I'm awake," he replied, and hung up on me.

Later, downstairs at Coffeebucks, I watched him sullenly glaring at his muffin with a butter knife in one hand.

"So," I said, breaking the silence. "Tell me about this Dr. Dorian."

The glare left the muffin and came up on me.

"Exactly why, now?"

I kept my face neutral and shrugged.

"Curious about the new kid House is hiring."

Perry's face twisted in a snarl and the muffin was stabbed to death in a blizzard of crumbs and blueberries. I heard a loud crack as the plate broke with the final blow.

"I don't know what it says about you as a person that no one looked up for that," I said once the crumbs settled. "Are you not a fan of Dr. Dorian?"

The muscle next to Perry's right eye twitched.

"In the six years I've known him he's consistently failed to be any sort of franchise sport. This makes it awfully hard to buy things like jerseys or giant foam number one fingers to express my support."

"So you're all right with him being a Houseketeer?" I asked, stirring my coffee. Perry set down the knife, which appeared to be slightly bent, and flexed his fingers.

"I'm not even all right with the fact that the term 'Houseketeer' exists," he answered. "But JD's not going to work for House."

"Why not?"

"Because he's mine! I'm the one who put that together, and I certainly didn't spend over half a decade painstakingly crafting him to have House come along and wreck him in a week!"

"Oh, I didn't realize you had a thing for him," I replied, trying to keep my tone as disinterested as if I was telling someone that I hadn't realized it was supposed to rain today.

"He sees me as a father figure," Perry corrected with a bitter little laugh that made me think he actually thought that was true.

"And you see him as a...?" I prompted.

"Daughter figure."

"Really. What name did you gasp out when you were coming the other night?"

Perry scowled and pushed away from the table a bit.

"I don't say names during sex. I curse a lot, maybe you misheard."

"Sure I did."

"Just so long as we're clear," Perry said, standing.

"Daddy figure, got it," I nodded.

A look flickered across Perry's face, one any good dom knows well. I set my coffee cup down and smiled.

"And that," I said, stabbing the air with my finger, "was the look of a man who just imagined being called 'daddy' and liked it in a way he's too scared to admit."

Perry looked completely stricken.

"No! That was a completely different look."

"Oh? What's that look mean?"

"It's a look I get when I start wondering when the Harlem Globetrotters are coming back to town."

I rolled my eyes.

"I don't believe for a second that you have such a facial expression in your arsenal. I'm not sure that anyone does. Sit down."

"I do have patients, you know," he said, even as he sat.

"If there's one thing I've learned from Greg, it's that spending a ton of time with them doesn't help as much as you'd think."

"Could we maybe not talk about the guy who successfully killed me this morning?" he snapped.

"Not that successfully," I commented. "How'd you provoke that?"

"What makes you think I provoked anything?" he asked indignantly. I dropped my chin a little. Perry looked a little defeated, but not at all sheepish.

"Okay. I might have put him in a bit of a coma. But he was asking for it!"

"Howso?" As the global expert in House asking to be punished, I really felt I should be privy to any new transgressions and their punitive precedents.

"He was apartment hunting," Perry said darkly.

"Odd, but so what?" I asked,

"For Dr. Dorian."

"This was a coma inducing offense and you maintain that the relationship is platonic how?"

This time he successfully stalked off. I sipped my Coffeebucks trenté sized latte and mulled over the situation. Completely fluent as I was in bastard, I understood what Perry meant by all his verbal and non-verbal outbursts. However, being the alpha male type that he was, Perry wasn't fluent in Perry, and so god only knew how long it'd take for him to figure out why he was doing what he was doing. Judging from Dr. Dorian's supply closet diatribe, he wasn't correctly reading Perry either, but was so caught up in his despair that I didn't think he'd really be open to other theories from third parties.

First things first— I had to get Chase on my side. Having Chase working against you in something like this was like having Truman playing against you at Risk— no matter how well you were doing, two nuclear bombs tended to eat right into your advantage.

"Have you seen a blonde doctor and a sleeveless surgeon performing sex acts on each other?" I asked a passing cafeteria worker.

"Yes. I. Have, cutie," the young man said with gusto. "Mm."

"Could I ask where and when?"

"Roof, and about five minutes ago. I've got phone pictures—"

"That won't be necessary, I'm heading up there."

"Ooh. Snap some good ones for me, and tell them Glen said hey."

He set a piece of cake down in front of me and walked off.

"Random," I muttered to myself, picking up the paper plate and fork and heading back into the main building to the elevator.

"Oh for heaven's sake, Chase," I said upon opening the roof door. Chase was shirtless, pants open, completely covered in the same rich chocolate cake I had on my plate. "I hope you showered first."

My hygienic concern was for Todd, who was doing his best to lick the cake off as Chase held a glass of milk just out of his reach.

"Dr. Wilson," Chase acknowledged.

"What's this I hear about you sexually assaulting a medical attending in a steakhouse bathroom?"

"Legally speaking, I think it was second degree sexual battery at best," he pouted.

"Even so, he's not yours, and you know how touching things that aren't yours tends to pan out," I commented. Chase beamed.

"Yes, those things tend to become mine," he sighed happily.

"Well, not that thing," I answered, finishing off the cake and setting down the plate.

"Look, if it were up to me, I'd say, 'It bothers you? Okay then, I'll fuck him once and leave him here,' but House won't create a job for Todd if I don't get Dr. Dorian to come with. I'm sorry, but I'm stuck—Todd, if you don't work for it, you won't get that glass of milk."

"I'm surprised at you, Chase. House can't create a position. Not on his own."

"Sure he can," Chase said, but his face was slightly less sunny.

"I think you're forgetting someone."

"Fairly sure I'm not."

"Curly hair, blue eyes, curvy, homicidal but with good reason?"

"Fuck. Cuddy," he sighed.

"Exactly. Now as you well know, House hasn't given Cuddy any reason to do him any favors, and a dedicated surgeon is a damn big favor. I, on the other hand, haven't been a dick to her every day since we met, so I have a shot."

Chase looked pensive as Todd tongue-spelunked his navel.

"What did you want again?" he asked finally.

"I want Dr. Dorian to stay here, in California, where he belongs," I sighed. "And stop coercing him into sex acts."

"I don't know…" Chase replied skeptically. I walked over, grabbing his earlobe and giving it a sharp twist.

"I have had just about enough of this," I said. "Now I realize that the whole monogamy thing is foreign to you, and I don't judge you for it. I, however, am a one cripple kind of guy. I love him, Chase, and I'm not sharing him with anybody."

"Not sharing, got it," Chase said, squirming a bit but maintaining his composure. I let go of his ear.

"So long as we're clear," I said. "If you see him, tell him you think you were wrong about his chances with Cox."

"Fine. But the next time you have sex with House I want webcam footage."

"If there ever is a next time, fine," I snapped. "And god help you if there's not."

"That sounds hot," I heard Todd say as I walked back to the door.

"Did I say anything about it being okay to talk? Get licking."

I sighed and left them to have their fun. I'd managed to get Chase on my side, so at least I was moving in the right direction.

"Doing an awful lot of running around, aren't you?" a familiar voice said at the bottom of the stairs. I sighed and turned to where House leaned nonchallantly against the wall, idly spinning his cane.

"How was your coma?" I asked. He rolled his eyes.

"Boring. Not one sex dream the whole time," he answered. "Plus I lost a lot of valuable time recruiting that kid."

"Fuck you, Greg," I snarled before I could bite it back, turning to storm off.

"Oh come on, Jim, it's no fun if you're not even gonna play."

I stopped and turned to look at him.

"And there's no point playing a game that's no fun, is there?" I hissed at him. "Is that it? I'm a Rubik's cube you already solved, so you have to fuck me up to make me interesting again?"

He gave me a funny look.

"You've been acting so damn weird since we got here," he said, looking mildly disturbed underneath the annoyance.

"You're the diagnostician," I said. "Figure it out."

I started walking away from him, but he caught my hand. He didn't say anything, and I didn't turn around.

"Why are we doing this?" he asked, his usually cavalier tone slightly tight with frustration.

"Beats the hell out of me," I answered, tugging away. "Who knows, maybe I'll still be around to hear your theories if you ever come up with any."

"I can't believe him," Cameron sighed as I moped to her at a Chinese restaurant later.

"What's not to believe?" I replied, poking disconsolately at my lo mein. "Why in god's name did I think that he'd be happy with me?"

"Because he is happy with you?" Cameron replied. "At least, I think he is, christ only knows what constitutes happy for House."

"I thought so too, but maybe there's just been this festering resentment and I was so wrapped up in what I wanted that I just didn't see it."

"Stop blaming yourself for House's psychological problems. You had a safe word, right?"

"I'm not a beginner, Cameron," I sighed.

"Well, did he ever use it?"

"Not once."

"Did he forget it?"

"No, I checked. I even said it again just in case he forgot and was too god damned stubborn to admit it."

"Well then that's not it. If there's one thing House knows, it's how to stop his own pain."

"Maybe that's what he's doing," I sighed, plunking my chin down the table and staring through my water glass.


"Maybe he's stopping his pain by dumping me."

"Don't be an idiot," Cameron said, bouncing a fortune cookie off my head. I picked it up and opened it. "Are you just going to set aside the fact that you're the only person he even bothers to pretend to like?"

I shrugged.

"He seems to like that kid just fine."

"He doesn't know that kid. And moping about it isn't going to change anything. You want him? Go get him. You want someone who's going to make things easy on you? Go back to any of your ex-wives."

If I'd wanted someone to lie to me nicely, I should've taken out Foreman. If I'd wanted someone to comfort me, I should've taken out Chase. But I took out Cameron, and thus, I got strategy.

I cracked open the cookie and blearily looked at the fortune.

Everything is not yet lost.
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