Fandoms: Scrubs / House crossover (Set in Sacred Heart Hospital, my money's on Sacramento, CA)
Characters this chapter: Dr. House, Dr. Cox, Jordan, Dr. Wilson, JD, Chase, the Todd
Chapter rating:PG-13 for allusions to last chapter
Overall story rating: NC-17 in parts, if I can make myself stop blushing, but relatively plot heavy overall.
Genre: Humor, angst, romantic, smut, I think I hit everything but horror.
Warnings: Angst and melodramatic mustache twirling
Spoilers: Up to Scrubs Season 6, episode 7, "My Musical" and House, M.D., up to "Fools for Love," Season 3, episode 5.
The Guest Lecture 8/??
Chapter Narrator: House
(Incidentally, this is the last of my finished pre-written chapters, so there's no guarentee of posting dates/times from here on out.)
Sons and Daughters, "Monsters"
You know where the door is
Can’t give you myself
Compassion's just a word in a dictionary on your shelf
Monogamy to you it seems is just black and blue
All the best psychotic lovers ain't got nothing on you.
[Narrated by Greg House]
So the bastard walked into the lecture hall in the same clothes he'd been wearing the night before except with fewer buttons and more hickies on his neck than the high school skank.
"Where were you?" I asked, trying my level best to sound indifferent.
"I decided it would be selfish of me to stay in the hotel if we're taking separate vacations, so I found someplace else to stay."
"Where, Oregon? Every hotel in a fifty mile radius was booked."
"I'm staying with a friend," he said.
"What friends?" I snapped. Okay, I suck at pretending to be indifferent, because I usually am indifferent.
Wilson smiled coldly at me. The collar of his shirt was open just enough so I could get an idea of how far all the bruises and bite marks went.
"Some people find me charming, remember?" he said. I snorted.
"Some people find you easy."
"A lot of people, really," I added.
"So who was she? Californian bimbo nurse with silicone tits? Jordan Sullivan?"
Percival's arrogant ass walked down the aisle.
"Jim," he acknowledged with a wink, pausing.
"Perry," Wilson said back, smiling warmly this time.
"Greg," I said, glaring. Wilson just glanced at me and sighed.
"You need any help getting your stuff over?" Perry asked.
"I'll grab a cab, it'll be fine," Wilson answered.
"This is your 'friend'?" I exploded. "Christ, Wilson, why not just sleep with Chase?"
"Oy," Chase said, turning from the row in front of us. "Is that really necessary?"
"Stop being the biggest whore I know and it wouldn't be!" I shouted back. The muscle headed surgeon who was supposed to have been one of our tour guides whipped his head around to glare at me.
"Hey. Don't even joke about that!" he said. Chase smirked at me—I have no idea why—and both turned away again.
"Do I need to revisit the stethoscope fondling or separate vacation comments of the past two days?"
"You're having revenge sex before I've even cheated yet?" I complained. "That's hardly fair."
"Maybe he's just better looking than you, Greggers. Ever think of that?" Percival said. "Now keep the fuck away from Dr. Dorian or so help me I'll have your entire staff working for Sacred Heart by week's end."
"Golly Perry, I'm scared. I think when Johnny agrees to work for me, I'll have him wear a candy striper's uniform."
Perry made one of those idiotic snarls he always comes out with when he can't think of a good comeback, and stalked back up the aisle toward the exit. I got up.
"Oh for god's sake, Greg, leave it alone," Wilson groaned. Chase looked around from the row in front of us as I did my best not to trip over Wilson's legs, the un-helpful bastard.
"You're blowing off the conference? Already?" Chase asked.
"What! I don't have to say anything," I shrugged. "I'm feeling… helpful. And hands on."
"You never feel either of those things," Chase said.
"I'm branching out. Enjoy your mind numbing boredom."
Wilson gave me a sad look as I moved past him and followed the aisle out of the hall. And what in god's name was with that? Everyone knows that sex is for amusement and securing good help. The way Wilson was acting you'd think it was for revenge and making babies or some shit. Withholding macadamia pancakes and pesto sauces over handmade ravioli, public humiliation, that's revenge.
I hadn't expected to catch up to Perry, but there he was, arguing with Jordan in front of the nurse's station while Johnny hovered nearby with a chart and a fretful look on his face.
"Look, if I'm going to relax on this thing, then I'm going to need your wallet, or at least all the cash you have on you."
"So you can infect my baby with god knows what from rent boys? I somehow actively do not think so."
"Perry! What an awful thing to say to your ex. Where you heading, Jordan?"
"Pregnancy retreat in Washington," she said while Johnny looked nervously between me and Per.
"Johnny, doesn't your pregnant girlfriend live in Washington? Where's this little retreat, Sullivan?"
Jordan glared at me in a way that I'm sure bothers other people, but she did have payback coming for her Heidi Fleiss role in the preemptive revenge sex.
"It's in Tacoma, Greg," Perry said. "You should absolutely join her."
"Johnny, you should call your lady friend, I'm sure Jordan here would love the company."
Dorian looked completely… stricken, I think is the word. He looked at Perry, then at me, back at Perry again. Jordan was just trying to burn a hole through my head with those beady black eyes of hers.
"I am on the approved babysitter list, Newbie, I did, in fact, make the approved babysitter list. You may answer."
"I think Kim would just love to go, she lives right outside Tacoma too! That's so neat!"
"Did you just describe something as neat without any irony whatsoever?" Perry said.
"Well, call her up!" I interrupted before Perry could turn two seconds of snark into a three minute snorefest of a rant. Dorian looked at Perry again.
"Nnnh," Perry said, giving a disgusted nod. Dorian scurried off, beaming at me quickly before he went.
"Aww, how sweet," Jordan snarled. "You suck, Greg."
"That's what you get for involving my friend in your weird little sex games," I replied.
"Oh Greg, you should've just told me that you wanted Perry to take a shot at you. He rocked your boyfriend's world last night; that's a flexible oncologist you've got there. He groaned so sweet, Greg, I almost joined in," Jordan said, cozying as close to me as her massive belly would allow.
"That certainly wouldn't have looked awkward or disgusting," I replied, popping two vicodin.
"Yes, because spanking a bitter cripple is probably a much better looking time," Jordan smiled.
"I forgot what a ball-busting harpy you are," I muttered.
"I never did. Here," Perry said, taking out his wallet, removing all the cash and handing it to her. "You've earned it."
"Cheer up, Greg, you'll get him back in one piece. I don't do repeats."
Dorian bounded back up.
"Kim's all aboard, I gave her your cell number," he smiled, putting his own back in a pocket in his scrubs.
"How do you have my cell number?" Jordan asked.
"Well there was one time—"
"Already don't care," Jordan snapped, glaring at Perry. "I'll entertain your little girlfriend, Sally, but she may not come back in one piece." She stalked towards the door, calling back,
"See you in a week, Per."
"Try not to kill anyone," Perry called after her.
"That'll be nice," Dorian smiled, and Perry's distraction gave me the opportunity to move closer to the boy and his charts.
"It looks like you've got some tricky ones there, Johnny. You mind if I take a look?"
He handed over the stack and smiled, looking over my shoulder. I edged just a bit closer so that our shoulders were just barely touching. Like a good little lamb, he didn't move away.
"Ramona, can you check on Mrs. Vaughn for me? She's been here for days and I think she needs to talk to someone who isn't going to tell her what an obnoxious idiot she is and god knows I can't stop. Greg and I'll take a look at these and see what we can figure out."
"Sure thing, thanks Dr. Cox, thanks Dr. House," Dorian said, taking the chart Perry gave him and scampering off. He was so perky that I could swear I almost heard him jingling.
"Do not think for a second that I don't know what you're up to, Greggers. Not for a single second," Perry said, getting right up in my face.
"What?" I replied innocently. "Bright ones are hard to find, especially in a field as multifaceted and complex as mine. Plus he's got really cute buns."
"You keep away from him or—"
"Or you'll flash white with rage and something scary'll happen? People are free, Per. And since you're apparently free to screw my friend, I think I'm well within my rights to get your little Dr. Dorian to come to New Jersey for a tasty prestigious job and if during these discussions he happens to trip and find himself riding me like a mechanical bull, then it's not really your business," I explained. "You can't just keep him in a box on the off chance you might want to do him some day."
"That's the difference between you and me, Greggers. Despite my bastardly exterior, I am actually capable of caring for people I have not slept with."
"It still counts if you hope to sleep with Johnny, probably moreso," I pointed out to Perry. Perry had built up such a head of steam that he didn't notice Dorian return from checking on his patient. And the poor boy wouldn't dream of interrupting his 'mentor.'
"I do not hope to sleep with John Dorian. That would be weird, creepy and wrong on a twenty phone book high stack of levels. It would be wrong like the Cubs winning the pennant, or my ex-wife volunteering her time to help orphaned crack babies or my ex-wife being allowed to help orphaned crack babies. Truly, repellently wrong."
There was a long pause of silence broken by jingling and the boy handing Perry's chart with a bell on a ribbon on top.
"Mrs. Vaughn is fine, all her labs look good. I'll take my charts back, thank you. Sorry to bother you."
I let him take the charts back. He never even looked at Perry, but I managed to make eye contact as he took the stack of folders. Like a kicked puppy. He'd probably melt over the next person that showed him any kindness at all, no matter who it was.
Except, of course, if it was Perry.
"Newbie!" Perry called after the lad, raising a hand as if to explain. Dorian never stopped, and Perry let the hand fall. Delicious.
"Wow, Perry, that was harsh."
"You shut your damn mouth Greg," Perry whispered. "You keep it shut and leave that kid alone."
Perry stalked off in the opposite direction from the one Dorian took. I didn't. Sure enough, I found him in a men's room leaning with his back against the wall with his eyes shut.
"You okay?" I asked. He opened his eyes and rolled his head to look over at me. I almost expected to see tears, but Dorian just looked exhausted.
"I'm used to it," he said. "He considers me useless in every other way, so that back there wasn't surprising."
"Why do you put up with it?" I asked.
"I don't know. Maybe cause I've been putting up with it since I was an intern, and I know I'll have to put up with it as long as I work here. It's just…"
He hesitated, looking up at the ceiling.
"Say it," I prompted.
"Every time it happens it gets a bit harder to pretend he doesn't mean it. Especially when it's something I haven't heard before."
"Would it be so bad if he did mean it?"
"I think it kinda would. Hence the pretending," he said softly.
I leaned back against the support between the stalls.
"What about if you didn't have to put up with it anymore?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I hear you're pretty damn good at diagnosis, and you've got terrific bedside manner. Mine sucks. My whole team's sucks. Well, Cameron's doesn't, but she keeps wanting to marry them all, and that clouds her judgment. I could really use someone who can talk to the patients and find out what's going on without needing eight tries to get a decent history. And the three that I've got now look at me as this big ogre. It'd be nice to have someone I could look at as something like a protégé."
The misery in his eyes lightened just a bit at that word, but he didn't say anything.
"Think about it," I said, opting for the soft sell that, at the rate Percival was going, would sell itself. "Go to some of those incredibly boring panels and believe me when I say that it's a lot more interesting in person. People come into us when all the other doctors they've seen, the experts who are supposed to be able to help them, failed. And trust me, forty nine times out of fifty, we wind up saving them. You could be a part of that."
I didn't expect him to say yes right away. His brow knitted just a bit, and he didn't say anything.
"Think about it," I repeated, moving forward to pat him on the chest on my way past as I walked out the door. I got about ten feet down the hall before I ran into Perry Cox. Middle name, 'I'm Such A.'
"He's in the men's room if you're looking for him," I said. "Wouldn't want to deny you your favorite pastime of making things worse."
Steal Wilson from me for a week, I steal your boy for the rest of his life. Fair's fair, Perry.